This opens me up to criticism, and vulnerability but I cannot keep this in my head.
This is my letter to you.
There is no type of instruction manual to explain how to get through this, there is no check list. No matter how many times I sit here trying to make sense of everything in my head I cannot find a resolution. I have spent days trying to rationalize every bit and piece of the choices and decisions made to only realize I cannot come to a rational reason for an irrational situation.
I do not know what brought you to that place that day, and I do not know the steps you have walked since but these are mine.
You will never be able to begin to understand the whirlwind of feelings that I have experienced a little over a week ago on that windy March day, a piece of myself was lost forever. I cannot say that I was alone, the doctor was at my feet and you were in the car. As I was sitting making what would be one of the most important decisions of my life the only person I could think about was you, which right there is where I went wrong. I could hear your voice over and over again repeating the same phrases: “I promise I’ll be here to support you”, “I’m not going to leave”, “ I cant believe this is who you are” , “this will ruin everything I have ever worked for”, “I will hate you” and I felt helpless, I felt weak, I gave in, and what I didn’t know at the time is that I fell for it.
As I was walking out of that office it was comparable to being frozen in time, I was there- emotionless, empty, a shell of the person I was but the world kept moving. I sat down in the car and I couldn’t face you, I couldn’t begin to formulate the words of what had just happened, I didn’t know how to feel, and how to begin to act. I did what I do best and pushed it to the side, the guilt, the regret but I was hopeful that things could only get better from there because why wouldn’t they? That’s what you told me would happen. I did everything that you had asked of me, I finally had done something right, but I guess to you that was not enough.
I have been told that babies aren’t the only victims of this and I believe that. I am sitting here and as I look back I cannot make sense of how I fell for it, and more importantly why did I do it ? I then vividly remember the fear, confusion and pressure that was constantly running through my brain. You gave me one option, the only answer in which you self declared as the “only choice” I was made to feel guilty for wanting to take responsibility for our mistake.
None of us are clean.
I was not perfect, I made mistakes but I kept my promise to you. What you asked for is what you received. You did not “lose everything you worked for” and you can continue to reach the goals you self declared as impossible if the shoe was on the other foot.
What I will never understand, what I have found impossible to make sense of is how you decided to leave that day, three days after the most traumatic experience of my life, two days after you recognized how much better things were, and one day after you said I was not the problem. I guess that may be an answer I’ll never receive.
You see, my failures and shame scream just as loud as you did that night. Was this the plan all along? did you play my weaknesses? you said exactly what I wanted to hear, you reciprocated love, made me feel secure, held me in yours arms every night to rip everything away like a band-aid. You got what you wanted, you came and you left, literally and figuratively although you promised you wouldn’t.
This may be like salt in the wound, and you just want to forget it, but I want to acknowledge the seriousness of what this all has done. I sit here, at my keyboard with tears streaming; I have lost sleep, I have lost weight, I have lost the person I’ve known my self to be for the past 25 years, I am not okay, I have had trouble facing myself in the mirror. I have yet to find it in me to forgive myself for what I have done, to find the freedom from the pain that weighs heavily on my heart. You will never understand how it feels to be in my shoes, I am ashamed, I will forever live with the regret. To give you your “life back” took everything from me and that you will never ever be able to comprehend. March 20th will forever be in my heart.
I do not have an out, I cannot put a headset on and tune out reality and escape to a virtual realm, I cannot escape, this is my reality. This is what I am left with, this is what you left me with and the only thing I can do is learn to adapt, forgive and move foreword. It’s the only thing that will help me when I wake up in the middle of the night, alone, with all of my wrongdoings swirling around my brain. When sleeps eludes me because I am feeling guilty or afraid. It’s the only thing that will chases it away so I can rest. Although you promised support, that I would never go through this alone, that you would never “ghost me” I will have to find a way to cope without, I will have to find a way to make peace with the reality that has been presented to me. I will find the strength to look up and accept the forgiveness that is mine and I will pray that you will find peace as well.
There is no room for hate in my heart- I hope you begin to find clarity with all the confusion, to love yourself with every inch of your being and to enjoy the better qualities of life, I pray for growth and success, I have only ever wanted the best for you.
We are all guilty and ashamed of what we have done, and what we have become. I am not here to point fingers, I myself have a list of flaws, instead I am here speaking my truth and releasing myself from my demons which have taken over my thoughts. I have to begin to accept there may be questions I will never gain the answers to, and that I will have to create my own happy ending to this story. I was taught a big lesson this week and that was to only depend on yourself, to make your decisions for you and to focus on what makes you happy and to expect anything from anyone, the devil was once an angel.
God gives the hardest battles to the toughest soldiers and I will prevail.
Ezekiel 36:26 says, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
This is me 